My Baby Isn't A Baby Anymore

Some how, while I was changing your diaper, or reading you stories, or playing with your puzzles, or making you meatballs, you - my baby, turned two. Was it when I was doing the laundry, or out for a shoot, or away for adult time, or while I slept? Did I blink too long? Was I not paying enough attention? When exactly did it happen? Because when I look at you my sweet, sweet boy, you're just a chubby little strawberry blonde newborn, nursing through the night, and dazzling us with your soft coos and stinky toots.

Is two as definitive as I am feeling right now? Because it feels like a punch in the gut, like a corner I can't unturn, like a door that has opened and locked behind me and I'm screaming that I just want to go back. I can't turn time around, and I can't make any moments last longer, and its slipping away all too fast.

My baby, my last baby, my boy. You are so very unique, so cuddly, so full of love and smiles and loyalty. You love me unconditionally and make me feel like I am the most amazing person when I walk into a room. Even on days where I am not my best self, I'm angry or tired, or both. I haven't given you enough attention, and maybe you've seen way too many Blippi episodes. And yet, as soon as my back hits the couch, you are on me, looking for a snuggle, or pulling my pant leg to go play with you.

Your love is so beautiful. Can I always have it, just like this?

I'm welling with tears as I write because I feel like I have lost something that I can never get back and the pain is so very real in this moment. As much as I smile when I think of you as a grown man, happy and successful. A part of me is scared to death to lose this innocence and bond that we have. I see it already with your sister, her want for independance, her preference to play with friends over me. It's all a part of this journey, and I am begging for it to slow down a little. I am not ready to move on to toddler years and kid years and teen years and adult years.

Please, I beg you, slow down.

I love you Owen. As much as any human can possibly love, and than some.

Happy Birthday.